Some silly confessions

Okay. This is not a psychic outburst like most other of my blog entries. It is some sincere confessions. I don't want anyone to read this, I just didn't want to write it on a piece of paper and throw it away, coz I thought I would love reading this 20 years down the lane, if I am stile alive and kicking.
Tension is in my blood. It comes from my mom and dad. I try hard to not be tensed. I guess the solution I learnt is to stop thinking.
I avoid emotions, because I can get too emotional. I try my level best to control them though. And still know that when it comes to certain things, I am not able to. I'll conquer them all, in due time. I have to.
I doubt myself a lot.
I am very vulnerable. I take too much into consideration, and I expect too much from too many places.
I follow some confused rationality.
I can feel my morals, ethics changing. All that I thought was good about me is now changed. And I think the changes are what made me good. And I still think all I thought earlier was good.
I want to be free. And I want love too, I can't give it up. I am stuck.
Maybe I will get better if I settle. Maybe I'll get worse.

I

Maybe I am a freak. Maybe I suck. Maybe I am an asshole.
Or maybe I am too good to be a role model even. Maybe it is difficult to be me.
Maybe I am the most lovable person in the world. Or maybe I don't deserve love.
Maybe there is me. Maybe I was born, and maybe I'll die.
Maybe I exist. Or maybe I am just an illusion.

Roads

There are these parts in my head. There are these huge gaps between them. There is a part of my head which tells me to be free. There is another which drags me down, back. There is this third part which tells me I should ignore the other two and just keep doing some pretty mechanical things. Lemme just jot down a sentence or two on each of these parts' logic.
The first, pretty simple. It might be thought as lazy, compared to the other parts. All it wants is peace. All it goes after is one piece of understanding that answers it all forever. Its sweet, simple, and ascetic. It is brilliant, and has very convincing explanations.
The second, is trying hard and crying. It is in chains. The most major characteristic is that it has a lot of chemical factories. It wins the warfare in most cases for this reason. Oh, and this place is good for photographs.
The third, is sustainable. It asks for consistency, hard work, and dedication. It uses you in its own special way and tells you that it is the best way you could be used.
So there are these walkways, which are all dark. You go one way, you get a torch for your use, the torch has this hue in it. But the way is still dark. And then, he tells me that the three are parallel, and it leads to the same sea. Now the question. Do I drag the pathways closer, or do i just get to be on one of them? Is the jack of all trades better of the master of one better?

World.

Almost every time I am left wondering,the topic is people. A major portion of them who strive for excellence, where excellence is doing things that everyone wants to do well, well. Why does everyone want to do those things well? Because it is some system that teaches them this is good. And what does this system define as good? Anything on the other end of situations that make living, rather survival, difficult. Explanation taken that this is just sustainability. Reasons for why someone should sustain can make another post.
Now the things that make people such wonderful creatures. The ridiculous ways they find to reach this so called excellence. It is a recurring process, you cover each step, you reach a new position, from where the same rules apply again. If you don't have competitors in this generation, get them from old days. The rules now. First and foremost, you are the first if everyone is behind you. Neat.
Next, you go a step higher if someone above you falls a step behind you. How interesting!
Further, your probability of remaining at your position increases if someone edging closer to you falls behind. He or she would not do the step 2 to you easily then! Brilliant!
Another thing that makes me wonder a lot is expectations. People just expect you to keep doing well, or keep doing bad, or keep doing it the way you've been doing it. People expect others to do what they think they would do. And then they plan accordingly. Planning is another weird thing. You don't even know the probability of something, you just plan on the basis of those weird expectation you have. When some people don't like it, they say they are being taken for granted, and others say they are showing unnecessary attitude or they are shouting too much or they are not understanding the situation and so on. How funny!
Another thing to wonder about people is how badly they hate a level platform. They are so badly in search of ways to achieve expectations, of someone else or of self, that they just want to overtake someone once and then be out of that threat forever.
Society and relations make me wonder many a times as well. In all levels starting from parent child to international country - country ones.
Individuals and their minds are so intriguing as well. So free a thing, in almost all cases, is much much more than restricted.
And there is this moron, who doesn't have anyone except his blog to open up. And he self-restrains from doing that. Freak. He learns too much from mistakes.

Freedom

There is this saying which means only when you lose an eye, you know how important it was. The same logic goes with freedom.
These days, I completely understand why our people, generations ago, died for freedom. I appreciate freedom can mean various things for various people, and so, would not comment on anyone else; but at least for me, I now rank it No.1 in my priorities. The greatest freedom for me is when I don't need to depend upon anyone, or share anything with anyone, and when no one is dependent upon me as well. Freedom for me is when I can enjoy my harmless passions with a full heart. Freedom for me is mobility. Freedom for me is no restriction to any ethical and legal activity.
You don't get it anywhere and everywhere. Some people may not get it even inside their own house. Lack of freedom is terrible. That time gets wasted, and it eats up thrice the time, to rebuild stuff.
Probably I may be expecting too much from the world. But I can't help.

Learning to Fly!

Confusion

Moving fast. The cruise is set.  

The feeling of slowing down has started creeping in. And the straight lonely single lane road is filled up of confusions. Somewhere, somehow, there is confusion. Lost.

Looking up at the star studded sky. Finding it infinitely blank. Looking at the forests around. Finding them dark and hollow. Helpless; the need to fill them all up. Possibly a part of them. But then, where did all the energy go? Where are the companions who travelled along?

Music is on. But then, it is getting more and more difficult to understand. Turning into noise.

Streetlights are fading away.  Ground disappear. It is all black. 

Open eyes, find city lights are not far away. White, blue, red, and black. And too many roads.